Have you watched any cologne or perfume commercials lately? For pushing something that is supposed to make you smell nice for the opposite sex to entice them to give you sex, the commercials themselves sure do stink.
Take this one:
This is an ad playing right now for Armani Code. It's ridiculous. How do I know? I wear Armani Code and I have not once had a super model throw herself at me. A few regular models, of course, but no super models.
It could have something to do with the fact that unlike the guy in the ad, the only six-pack I have is of Mt. Dew.
Nah, that couldn't be it. The cologne is either defective or the ad is overstating it's effectiveness.
But this is standard fare for cologne and perfume ads. They generally seem to be filmed in muted tones while the actor or actress tends to spout off in something rather random and, at best, barely relevant to the topic at hand.
But of course, this one is the best example of WTF ads.
Muted tones: Check. Random statements? Check. Complete lack of any sense being made. Check and check again.
Seriously, what the hell is this all about!? The best thing about this is I saw the SNL spoof prior to seeing the real ad. I thought they were just making fun of the genre of ads, until about a week later I saw the real thing. My response was "Holy crap, those ads are REAL!?"
Seriously, I don't get it. How do these ads work? Are the ad execs thinking that women will see Brad Pitt and instantly lose all cognitive abilities other than "Brad pretty. Buy Chanel."? I think women, and people in general, are smarter than that.
Then again.....maybe there IS something to their line of reasoning. *runs out to buy perfume*
In my prior entry, I wrote about Apple's ads just sucking lately. I'd love to be able to tell you that I said everything that needed to be said, but I didn't. I was distracted and honestly it's one of my least favorite entries.
My point stands, however. Watch the ad again, or for the first time if you're not one of my three regular readers.
On the surface, (mobile device pun actually not intended) this commercial sucks. It doesn't show any new abilities of the phone. It's an effing smart phone, it must do SOMEthing cool, right? Show that, don't waste millions of dollars showing how great it fits in your hand.
Oh...maybe this is tantamount to Apple admitting that really, there is nothing all that new about the iPhone 5 except that it has another row of icons. Seriously, I have the 4S (Because I always join the cool bandwagon right as the wheels fall off) and since I updated to IOS6, it does almost everything the iPhone 5 does. But still, Apple is the closest thing we have to a Bond-esque super company with more money than most governments. You'd think their ads could showcase something special. I hate to say it, but maybe the company really did need Steve Jobs.
After all that, we add Samsung in to the mix. They're phone is getting some rave reviews, and so do their ads. They've had some GREAT commercials. Some, like this one, are just epic for the fact that..well, any guy knows why this is epic. Wives: learn from this woman. She is a paragon of everything wonderful in a spouse.
Giggity!
But seriously, almost lost in the "I wonder what the video entails" is the fact that the phone has this very cool feature where you can transfer items just by touching them. Oh hey...I think that's a phone sex joke...which is another joke in itself. Wow, this is just a layered little ordeal, isn't it?
But see what they did, they made an ad that gets your attention AND shows a cool feature of the phone. Why can't Apple do that?
Oh...right.
When the iPhone 5 first came out, Samsung also made this gem.
Honestly, my only critique of this (and pretty much all smart phone ads) is the wanton use of hipsters in them. According to cell phone ads, hipsters are the ONLY people buying smart phones. Which isn't true. I have one, and I am SO not a hipster I couldn't even be one if I wanted to. Which I don't.
But seriously (yeah right) this ad again showcases a cool feature of the phone while simultaneously pointing out what I said earlier, there is very little that's new about the iPhone 5. Well played, Samsung. I'm not sure if you have the best phones, as I had a Samsung before this phone and it sucked harder than would an all Jar Jar Binks Star Wars movie, but their ads are an advertising win.
I will preface this article with the acknowledgment that after many years of making fun of Apple and my friends who were Apple users, I went ahead and jumped on the iPhone bandwagon for my 32nd birthday back in May. That said, What the hell, Apple!? Have you seen their latest commercial? Allow me to show you.
All the amazing things that the iPhone 5 can do, like answer you when you talk to it, or get you hopelessly lost, and they spend 30 seconds of valuable ad time talking about how your thumb goes from here to there? How does that set the phone apart from every other smart phone out there? It doesn't, that's how. Why in the hell did Apple ad wonks choose to feature that? Is it an acknowledgement that the majority of the updates to the iPhone 5 are also part of my iPhone 4s thanks to my downloading IOS6?
Maybe I'm just bitter because once again I finally get something all the cool kids do and it's fading in popularity faster than Jerry Sandusky. (Too soon?)
But the iPhone 5 DOES have cool features. Maybe it's actually a sign of our own jaded sense of expectations. Even the crappiest phone takes signals from the air even when you're in the middle of nowhere. These phones browse the damn Internet in the middle of Yosemite. They take better photos (albeit possibly with a purple haze that would make Jimi Hendrix Proud) than my $400 Canon digital camera did that was top of the line five years ago. But we've come to expect that, so maybe all Apple had left to talk about was how the movement of your thumb lines up with the layout of their phone.
After all, we can't expect Apple ads to be this honest:
Consumers don't appreciate this kind of truth in advertising.
After an extended absence, I'm back. I'm sure you were reeling with loss as a result of my absence. Truth be told, I had no computer at home and a lack of a computer makes blogging rather difficult.
You know what else is difficult? Rebuilding your life after a disaster. We've seen it all too often on the news, people trying to regain some semblance of normalcy after losing everything. Then some companies try to pander to that.
Don't get me wrong, as a DirecTV customer myself I see the benefit of referring friends and getting a discount. But really? The best she could do for a friend who's life was turned upside down by the tornado is get her a discount? What, was she not around to kick her when she was down?
I know you're all reeling right now, but you know what would totally help? Our Total Choice package!
DirecTV has made some interesting comparisons before between acts of humanitarian and philanthropic generosity and offering up a chance to save a couple of bucks on television service so people can watch awful reality shows.
Again, don't get me wrong, I watch as much, if not more, television than the next guy. Just not reality shows unless it involves cooking. But everyone do me a favor, if my home is ever destroyed by some natural disaster, please do me a favor and make sure my family has a roof over my head and has some food before we make sure Kaylee can watch Spongebob again. That's way down on the priority list. Third or fourth. Third probably.
Imagine a world where Girl Scout cookies are made from real girl scouts, and ginger ale was made from real ginger.
Not THIS type of ginger. Although that does solve some problems in the world...
Canada Dry has made the latter the truth. Their ginger ale is made from real ginger! Great...who cares. I mean, seriously, who likes ginger ale?
Well, Canada Dry has taken a page from the pharmaceutical companies as they attempt to invent a market for their product. Think about it, the med companies do it all the time. Seriously, there is no way we'd survive as a species let alone be at the top of the food chain if at least half of us were so messed up that we truly needed prescription meds to keep us going. Anyway, this blog isn't about the stupidity of pharmaceutical ads...I've already covered that. This is about Canada Dry.
You may have seen the ad. It premiered several months ago, and they recently brought it back during the Holiday season, because apparently the "working up a sweat in the field" thing they have going on on the ad rings true during the holiday season. Watch.
The ad starts with a group of people who do not look like any farm worker I see out here working the many fields of the San Joaquin valley harvesting, of all things, ginger. As they work, one farmer yanks on a plant and out pops a bottle of ginger ale. Then another yanks out a vending machine full of the stuff. I'll even refrain from commenting on the silliness of pulling out cans and a vending machine. The stupidest thing of this ad is the assertion that nothing hits the spot when you're hot, sweaty and thirsty, as a nice can of ginger ale.
Really?
This baby just tried ginger ale for the first time.
For some reason, when I've worked up a truly vicious thirst making fun of commercials, ginger ale doesn't come to mind as something to quench that thirst. I guess I can't begrudge them for trying to expand past the normal market: mixed drinks and old people who remember prohibition when they drank ginger ale.
Somehow, I just don't see it catching on when there supermarket shelves filled with drinks, healthy and unhealthy, that quench your thirst without tasting like ass.
I am no doubt the first to tell you it's Christmas time and as such, we will be bombarded by a ceaseless parade of advertisements meant to play on our love of the season and spending unsustainable amounts of money to make sure the Christmas spirit of crippling debt is left alive.
What, too cynical?
Some commercials have been around for so long they play not just on our need to get the best gadget for Christmas, but also our sense of nostalgia. Enter Campbell's Soup.
I used to love that commercial, because seeing it I knew it was Christmas time. When I was a bit older, I love it because I knew it meant it was winter time, and when you live in the desert like I did, winter time means you can now touch your car door handle without needing skin grafts afterward.
But now, I realize this commercial displays not only a level of creepiness, but of some questionable parenting at best.
First off, let's look at the opening scene.
I recognize that this commercial was filmed some time ago...so long ago they probably actually used film. But it wasn't produced so long ago that letting your kid play outside unattended was necessarily considered great parenting. Especially in a fricking blizzard.
But I don't think the kid was playing in the snow...I think he was left outside to serve as his parents' outdoor decoration. He was just standing there, covered in snow, until he apparently received a union-mandated soup break.
Then things just get weird. Not that a walking snowman outside of the Frosty cartoon isn't weird. But take a look at this:
I'll concede that the poor kid standing out there for hours could end up covered in snow and resemble a snowman. But, how the hell did his arms turn to sticks? Apparently his parents aren't just shitty, there is some sort of fairytale evil stepmom and warlock thing going on.
But by the power of Campbells condensed soup, the spell is lifted (or the snow melts, if you take it at face value, you poor fool) and we see....AAAH! A GINGER!
Maybe the parents weren't evil, he was sentenced to snowman for his crimes of being a ginger. And looks what happens when he's released from his icy cell:
Yeah, you see a smiling kid. I see someone who just ate a bowl of Chicken Noodle and Soul Soup. That's right, the little sucker just took someone's soul and made it in to a rich, savory broth. Cambell's Soup is worse than Soylent Green...it's PEOPLE.....'s souls.
So if you're like me and live in the Fresno and Bakersfield broadcast areas you've been privileged to see this gem of an ad. Constantly. In-effing-cessantly. Ad nauseum...pun intended.Seriously, it's generally played at least twice every commercial break it's in. Even if I was interested in the product, that would just turn me the hell off.
First off, let me stress that's the second version of the ad. The initial ad said "The I-99, it's your time." That's great, I was wondering when our time was. The only problem is, the 99 isn't an Interstate; it's a US Highway. A minor difference, but when you're hyping that you're doing a big thing for an area, something like the major highway is something you may want to get right.
They've since edited the "I" out of the spot, which only makes me focus more on the other issues.
Issues like this guy...he is just WAY too excited about a Doritos taco shell
He's turned on by cheese-dust covered fingers. Sadly, not even in the top 100 of weird shit you'll find online. And somehow I get the impression he's doing a version of the old "cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket" trick.
Anyway, I'll overlook all the lame jokes and bad puns; Lord knows I make enough of those myself (see first paragraph) but the one thing that just makes me shake my head is at the very end. He talks about the taco and confirms that no, this isn't a dream of another way to make your digestive tract loathe you even more, "This is Really Happening!"
