Pharmacy companies: Smart research departments, dumb marketing departments

Sometimes I wonder if there is a quota at big companies.

Not racial. Oh hell no, I'm not touching that one on this lighthearted blog where I make fun of the marketing work of others. I mean in terms of IQ. I wonder if for every brilliant person the company has, they have to employ a complete moron just to keep from having to pay some intelligence tax.

Or maybe the idiot lobby wants to ensure that dolts get jobs too. That's the only reason I can come up with the sheer stupidity of the ads that come from pharmacy companies. As smart as the researchers who come up with chemical compounds that (theoretically) make us better must be, the marketing teams apparently all ride a short bus to work each morning. The costs for helmets alone explains why meds are so expensive.

Sometimes it's just a ridiculously shaky premise to tie everything in together. And by tie, I mean make you wonder "What the hell did that have to do with anything?"

Take this ad for Crestor for example.

Really? You tie in meeting the man you marry and the coming of your kids with your consumption of fatty foods littering your arteries with sludge like the beaches of the Gulf Coast? (What, too soon?) She's a real romantic, I'd love to read her anniversary cards.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I got the clap on a business trip,
and now I gave it to you.

That's not the only one with a premise more shaky than the ground in Japan. (Yes, that was definitely too soon. My bad.) It's another cholesterol medication, unfortunately I can't find it on Youtube. Apparently it's so bad no one wants to remember it, but you may have seen it. There is a guy standing on a bridge over a frozen river with sign indicating the ice is perilously thin. Then he starts talking about when he was younger, he couldn't wait to get out on that ice. But then his doctor told him he was on thin ice with his cholesterol. Holy crap, that ice isn't the only "thin" thing in the ad...that premise is so thin Sally Struthers was going to beg for food for it.

Then you've got birth control ads. I get they're trying to be creative while also putting forth a lot of important information, 90 percent of which is side effects. But it just seems to me that the commercials are made by people who have never really had a conversation in their lives. People don't talk like this. (Skip to 25 seconds.)

Then she throws out "Tell your doctor if you have conditions like cardiovascular disease or inflammatory disease." Really? Here's a better thought. If your doctor doesn't know you have some major disease, maybe it's time you find a new doctor. Considering it's probably your doctor who diagnosed you with said life-threatening condition. What do they carry around those charts for?

While we're on birth control (HA!) commercials, we can't forget about the Nuva Ring fiasco. Really? One pill a day is just too much to bear? Really? If you can't find the time to swallow a little pill each day, I'm curious how you have the time to actually NEED the pill, if you know what I mean. wink wink, nod nod.

As bad as that one is, they follow it up with this one, trying to convince us the first commercial didn't suck. Calling that a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks everywhere.

The one that I had to laugh at the most lately though is this ad for Claritin. Am I the only really doubting her perception of just how instrumental she is?

"Alright, let's move on team"
"In case you didn't notice, perky bitch, we're already moving on. See, we're walking with you. Lay off the meth!"

Apparently I am the only one doubting just how important she is. Skip to 17 seconds. The guy who is apparently so dumb I think he writes ads for pharmacy companies loses his step on a bridge that, to his credit, obviously does not meet Department of Transportation regulations. PB as I'm now calling her, looks back and says the very helpful "Watch your step!" The guy's response? "I couldn't have done it without you." Wow...I had no idea the seemingly obvious direction of "Watch where you're going on a rickety bridge or you'll fall to a horrible death like the guys in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." was so instrumental.

"If only Mola Ram had PB around to save his ass from death by falling in to a river full of hungry crocs."

As I look for a logical conclusion to what has turned in to more of a rant than anything else, a startling thought occurred to me. What if it's not that the marketing departments are dumb, but that they are advertising to people who are. That's a scary thought...a legion of doped up dumb people voting. Wow...a whole lot of things just made sense to me now. It's all...Claritin Clear.