It was inevitable: The Charmin Bears

The Charmin Bears.....sigh. Or as I call them, the Dinglebearies.

I hate these ads.

I have hated these ads since they first brought them out a few years ago. Remember the great ads of yesteryear, Mr. Whipple saying "Don't squeeze the Charmin?" I don't either, I'm not 80. But I am aware of them as they are among the  most iconic ads in the history of television informing us of just what we need to buy to make our lives complete.

Now, we have bears who A)Answer our question about what bears do in the woods and B) apparently have wiping problems. Do we really need to see this?

I'm no prude, don't get me wrong. But for some reason, commercials talking about "pieces left behind" just really seems to be more than we really need to hear about. But oh, television is a visual medium. So we're treated to not just dirty pieces of toilet paper stuck to this bears ass, but a wonderful acrobatic display of the bear either looking to see that he's clean or on a voyage of self discovery. It's natural, but that's supposed to be done in a bathroom with a door that locks.

She knows what you're doing in there.

The most disturbing part of this commercial comes six seconds in: "You can't pass inspection with pieces left behind." Um, what? Inspection? What kind of messed up mother not only puts their kids up for inspection, but also checks the kids butt? That's an inspection that'd even make R. Lee. Ermey blush. 

You want me to check WHERE!? That stuff about a golf ball through a garden hose was spot on, wasn't it?

If your morning routine includes the phrase "spread 'em" and you're not in prison, I'm pretty sure it's time to call a crisis line. If mom is keeping an eye on your brown eye, there are going to be some serious therapy bills in the future.  

Or, maybe the folks at Charmin's ad company are furries, and this is a way to pass secret messages on to other furries. If you don't know what furries are, do yourself a favor and don't ask. I won't be held responsible for google exposing you to a whole new world of warped fetishes. 

Anyway, we're told that only through the strength of Charmin can stand up to our apparently razor-blade lined arseholes so we can pass inspection from our anal (literally and figuratively) mothers. 

Seriously, she's giving her kids ass a thumbs up...why am I the only one concerned? Although it wold be worse if a few of those letters in the previous sentence we rearranged....

Thanks to the strength of Charmin's diamond-weave technology (technology in toilet paper? Really?) Charmin can apparently withstand a three pound turd. Seriously, if you're dropping bombs that weigh three pounds, toilet paper leaving pieces behind probably isn't your biggest problem. You should be more worried about pieces of  colon being left behind. 

Angel Soft: Can you toss me a roll

As you'll soon see, I really over think the ads. Why? Because it's what I do with everything really. You could try to come up with some psycho-analytical reason as to why, but I once read that lefties make everything more difficult than they need to, so I'm going with that.

This little trait of mine leads me to our first commercial: Angel Soft Toss Me A Roll.

Have you seen it? I'm sure you have, it's been on constantly. Apparently Americans poop a lot. Could have something to do with our meat-heavy, fatty food-laden diets. But hey, we're number 1! Winning! Duh! (Obligatory Charlie Sheen reference: Check)

Anyway, here's the ad in case you get Internet under the rock beneath which you're living if you have yet to see this ad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYZMlOFU4zM

First thought: Okay, we've all done it. Walked in and realized only too late that oops, the roll is empty. HELP! That's fine.

But after he was either tossed a roll of toilet paper (or bath tissue as they call it, which somehow is apparently supposed to soften the thought that we wipe our butts with this stuff) or was grazed by a high-powered elephant round, you'd think he would be a bit more careful about asking someone to lob an apparently lethal weapon at him. But no! We see he hasn't learned from this incident, and again asks for someone to toss him the TP, mangy looking head wound notwithstanding. This time the off-camera throwmeister apparently chucked a snowball at the guy. Nice.

In a living example of Einstein's definition of insanity, the guy once again asks someone to "toss him a roll." This time, we see the scamp has been his wife. However, she took pity after nearly killing him and then pelting him with fluff, and tosses Angel Soft. Aaahhh.

Here's my question: After the second time, don't you think he would have, oh, I don't know, gotten the roll himself rather than risk his life? Maybe his wife really is trying to kill him, or at least get him to leave. After all, every time we see this guy, his wife is apparently doing laundry, since that's where she is, throwing him another roll. Perhaps if he pitched in around the house, she'd be a bit nicer.

All this said, it's still not the worst toilet paper commercial out there. If I never see those charmin bears with the pieces of toiler paper on their bear buts, or as I call them, The Dinglebearies, I'll be a happy man.

I really don't like these bears...