This is really happening Fresno!

So if you're like me and live in the Fresno and Bakersfield broadcast areas you've been privileged to see this gem of an ad. Constantly. In-effing-cessantly. Ad nauseum...pun intended.Seriously, it's generally played at least twice every commercial break it's in. Even if I was interested in the product, that would just turn me the hell off.

First off, let me stress that's the second version of the ad. The initial ad said "The I-99, it's your time." That's great, I was wondering when our time was. The only problem is, the 99 isn't an Interstate; it's a US Highway. A minor difference, but when you're hyping that you're doing a big thing for an area, something like the major highway is something you may want to get right.

They've since edited the "I" out of the spot, which only makes me focus more on the other issues.

Issues like this guy...he is just WAY too excited about a Doritos taco shell

He's turned on by cheese-dust covered fingers. Sadly, not even in the top 100 of weird shit you'll find online. And somehow I get the impression he's doing a version of the old "cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket" trick.

 

Anyway, I'll overlook all the lame jokes and bad puns; Lord knows I make enough of those myself (see first paragraph) but the one thing that just makes me shake my head is at the very end. He talks about the taco and confirms that no, this isn't a dream of another way to make your digestive tract loathe you even more, "This is Really Happening!"

That's right, this is really happening! A solution to all our problems. Unless you count crippling unemployment, high crime rates,  water crisis in the farming community as our problems. But hey, Taco Bell in a Doritos shell! I mean, what else could you need.

Maybe a job so you could afford one I guess...

I can't stop watching this commercial...damn Kia hamsters

Last year, also-ran automaker Kia came out with a new car, the Soul, and a new commercial showing head bobbing hamsters driving the compact conveyance. Since then the hamsters have been rapping and now, dancing in the most addicting freaking ad I have seen.

Hamsters!

I honestly can't help myself, I can not stop watching this damn commercial. The annoying music drills into my brain and lays eggs or something like one of those zombie mold things.

It opens up like the beginning of some video game that, honestly, I would totally play. Some massive laser firing robots are doing battle with Master Chief clones in the remains of a great city somewhere that Hamsters have taken bipedal human form as if it were some sort of furry pet version of Planet of the Apes.

Wait....are they hamsters or guinea pigs? Not sure, but either way, Richard Gere loves this commercial too.

Anyway, just as one of the Master Chiefs (Masters Chief? ooh...grammar jokes) is about to meet its untimely death at the hands of the Super Death Robot thing, when the three hamsters roll up in their Kia Soul.

Hamsters!

The battle is immediately interrupted as the fighting factions are distracted by the rhythmic moves of the dancing Hamsters. Peace ensues, not to mention a space Marine/robot thing showing off some good moves.

                                                       Coming in 2012: Street Dance 2115

Seriously though, I haven't seen a robot fighter thing move his pelvis like that since I was killed by some 12 year old punk playing Halo online and he teabagged my dead character. I then promptly canceled my Xbox Live account. Effing kids...

                                                                    Hamsters, dammit!

So the sci-fi fighting force dance on as the hamsters drive out of town. Do they keep dancing in the pets' absence, or does the fighting resume. Who knows for sure, but the skies did seem a bit brighter as they left. Maybe we can learn something from these rhythmic rodents ...maybe we don't have to fight, but can solve our problems by getting down to catchy music performed by douche bags. All I know is, I feel better after watching the commercial. 

                                                            Did I mention the hamsters?

Encouragement....to be a better parent maybe

Before I  go in to this, I will say that I absolutely love this commercial. But that doesn't mean there aren't some things that we can't address. (Translation: make fun of)

I'm assuming you've seen the ad. Some parents dragged their little boy to a piano recital, because everyone knows that's the place to take a hyperactive demographic. The commercial opens up to shitty parenting as we look for the answer to the question: "It's 7 o'clock, do you know where your child is?

Oh I'm sorry, I was too busy being self centered to keep an eye on him. You?

We're further exposed to their horrible parenting skills when the kid goes where he's not supposed to. I'm not saying I was a perfect kid, Lord knows I was incapable of shutting the hell up. (Big shock, I know.) But I would NOT have gone somewhere I was obviously not supposed to go. This kid apparently wanders like the big guy from Cadence. 

I wonder if there are any Legos in there . . .

Before the parents decide if they should get up and look for their lost little ankle-biter or pick out swatches to turn his room back in to a study, they hear the unmistakable staccato of a little boy making expensive piano keys all sticky, since kids are dirty.  That's right, the kid is pecking at the keys like our grandparents type, barely playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Or the alphabet tune...but since the kid couldn't read the sign saying stay the hell out, I'm guessing its the former versus the latter. So the parents think, Uh-oh, now we'll surely be embarrassed! It can't get any worse than this, can it?

Hey, I was gonna play some piano, but who wants to watch me punt a kid instead?

   

But instead of holding the kid up by the scruff of the neck and asking "Who's is this? He's going in the lost and found!" the piano player joins in with the kid and performs a rendition of Twinkle Twinkle that makes the kid a little star. (See what I did there? ) This is actually really cool, and hopefully the kid about which this commercial is based did venture off in to a career in music. After finding better parents, of course.

This commercial is just like anything else form Hollywood;  we rarely see the negative repercussions of noble or heroic acts. This commercial is no different, as it cuts out before we get to see one which parent lost the game of Rock Paper Scissors and had to go pick up their kid. 

onetwothree NOT IT!

We could take it to another step and show the kid later on, a musician himself. He cold point to his parents in the audience and say "My career in music, and my fame, are all thanks to my parents, and their inability to keep track of one kid!

Thanks, Son. 

So we'll just assume that everything ended well. The parents didn't later leave him home when going on vacation resulting in the little blond kid foiling robbers with ridiculous hi-jinks,  and he went on to a great career in music.

In closing...I just wanted to say SCREW YOU to these guys for making me cry every time this commercial comes on television:

It's not connected, I know. But it needed to be said. *Grabs a kleenex*

 

Zoosk: What the bloody hell!?

In this day and age of the Internet, we're more connected via social media and what not, but somehow fail to make meaningful connections. Thanks to that, we have an ever growing number of online dating services promising to hook you up through some sort of online chicanery...I mean match-making. And they're everywhere. I'm not kidding, since I've written this, I've seen ads for three different dating sites...and four pizza delivery companies. Apparently I fit in to a viewing demographic of hungry, lonely losers.

Forever alone pizza...never has a meme been more appropriate in food form.

Remember when we used to go to a bar or nightclub to meet  a mate? Me neither, I'm married to the girl I went out with in high school. But I'm told that's how it was done. Now we log on to sites like facebook to get poked, and there's just something wrong with that. Add in that impersonal approach to dating,  and we have examples of what's wrong with our society.

There's e-Harmony, which talks about some ridiculous number of traits that they put in to some sort of mathematical formula to find you the perfect match. Because that's what was missing in the institution of marriage, scientifically formulated equations. Nothing says I love you like a theorem. Pythagoras was HOT!

E-Harmony's guy looks like his graphing calculator was his first love.

But the worst offender is the latest example of our materialism and nature shallower than a kiddie pool in the Sahara: Zoosk. The first commercial I saw for Zoosk had a woman and her three friends drooling like Pavlovian dogs over some male models zoosk shows to be their dating fodder.

First off, what horrible labeling. Serious romance? Just because you have enough candles to warrant a visit from the fire marshal doesn't make it romantic. You're looking to get shtupped. (Is that the correct spelling? I don't know Yiddish, and I didn't want to say "fucked". Ooops...) That's fine, I don't agree with the whole men can screw anyone and it's fine and a woman who does it is a whore double standard. It takes two to tango. But call it like it is princess. 

Second, we constantly hear about the magazine images of women being too skinny making women do stupid ass shit to be that horrifically skinny First off, who likes these sticks? If men liked twigs, then why isn't that what you see in porn? Not that I've ever seen one....  But what about the reverse? Where's the outrage over men having to look like 'roided up meatheads to be worth dating? 

The latest ad though is even dumber, which I found rather surprising considering how lowly the bar was set.

I really hope one of the people standing outside that office after their less than subtle romp in the paper tray (huh huh...talk about a paper jam) is from HR to fire their freshly-tapped asses. But judging from the reactions, I'm guessing they work for Voyeur Incporporated. You've got a dorky looking guy saying "Aloha" in a "funny" way. Aloha? Really? I guess the commercial's stupidity is evidence enough of a lack of writing staff, but they couldn't come up with anything funnier than aloha? Here, I'll pitch three lines off the top of my head better than aloha.

1) That's one way of filling an opening.

2) Well that's one way of making copies.

3) The intern program has never been the same since we brought in Clinton.

So the girl who apparently had the office romance comes back from the cut scene and says she'll "Stick to Zoosk for dating." Right...sorry you kinky little minx, but I somehow doubt sticking to Zoosk will prevent your inner exhibitionist coming rearing it's ugly head. You'll just do it at places other than work. 

Aloha...now go get lei-ed.

It was inevitable: The Charmin Bears

The Charmin Bears.....sigh. Or as I call them, the Dinglebearies.

I hate these ads.

I have hated these ads since they first brought them out a few years ago. Remember the great ads of yesteryear, Mr. Whipple saying "Don't squeeze the Charmin?" I don't either, I'm not 80. But I am aware of them as they are among the  most iconic ads in the history of television informing us of just what we need to buy to make our lives complete.

Now, we have bears who A)Answer our question about what bears do in the woods and B) apparently have wiping problems. Do we really need to see this?

I'm no prude, don't get me wrong. But for some reason, commercials talking about "pieces left behind" just really seems to be more than we really need to hear about. But oh, television is a visual medium. So we're treated to not just dirty pieces of toilet paper stuck to this bears ass, but a wonderful acrobatic display of the bear either looking to see that he's clean or on a voyage of self discovery. It's natural, but that's supposed to be done in a bathroom with a door that locks.

She knows what you're doing in there.

The most disturbing part of this commercial comes six seconds in: "You can't pass inspection with pieces left behind." Um, what? Inspection? What kind of messed up mother not only puts their kids up for inspection, but also checks the kids butt? That's an inspection that'd even make R. Lee. Ermey blush. 

You want me to check WHERE!? That stuff about a golf ball through a garden hose was spot on, wasn't it?

If your morning routine includes the phrase "spread 'em" and you're not in prison, I'm pretty sure it's time to call a crisis line. If mom is keeping an eye on your brown eye, there are going to be some serious therapy bills in the future.  

Or, maybe the folks at Charmin's ad company are furries, and this is a way to pass secret messages on to other furries. If you don't know what furries are, do yourself a favor and don't ask. I won't be held responsible for google exposing you to a whole new world of warped fetishes. 

Anyway, we're told that only through the strength of Charmin can stand up to our apparently razor-blade lined arseholes so we can pass inspection from our anal (literally and figuratively) mothers. 

Seriously, she's giving her kids ass a thumbs up...why am I the only one concerned? Although it wold be worse if a few of those letters in the previous sentence we rearranged....

Thanks to the strength of Charmin's diamond-weave technology (technology in toilet paper? Really?) Charmin can apparently withstand a three pound turd. Seriously, if you're dropping bombs that weigh three pounds, toilet paper leaving pieces behind probably isn't your biggest problem. You should be more worried about pieces of  colon being left behind. 

Truth in advertising: The REAL miracle

Miracle Whip has broken the cardinal rule of advertising. Granted, they're used to breaking cardinal rules. The first one they broke is "Don't make a condiment that tastes like shit." This latest flouting of standard rules is "Don't say anything negative about the product you're advertising." Watch this ad.

Finally! A commercial with honesty! Granted, there are still some lies in there. I mean, who actually does like Miracle Whip? I remember vividly the last time I ate Miracle Whip. It was by accident. I took a bite of a sandwich and thought the mayo had gone bad. Then I realized it was Miracle Whip and had wished it was mayo that had gone bad.

In all honesty, I do like the commercials. It takes some juevos...big, smelly, rotten juevos used to make Miracle Whip, to make a commercial denigrating the very product you wish to promote. I think that says something about us as consumers. We've gotten to the point that we can see through the bullshit that convinced people to buy cigarettes in the 50's.

And candy. I would recommend lots and lots of candy.Ka-ching!

Apparently we're more sophisticated than our predilection for shows like Jersey Shore would indicate. We appreciate honesty, and admitting the truth. We also appreciate thinly veiled double entendres.

Wow. Just wow. That was blatant. I haven't seen an add so suggestive since I've watched Go Daddy try to get stuff approved for the Super Bowl. With the complete paranoia our nation has in terms of anything sexual, especially since we got a microsecond glimpse of Janet Jackson's mangled tit, I can only imagine the look on the censor's face when he or she saw this ad.

 Yeah, something like this. 

Pharmacy companies: Smart research departments, dumb marketing departments

Sometimes I wonder if there is a quota at big companies.

Not racial. Oh hell no, I'm not touching that one on this lighthearted blog where I make fun of the marketing work of others. I mean in terms of IQ. I wonder if for every brilliant person the company has, they have to employ a complete moron just to keep from having to pay some intelligence tax.

Or maybe the idiot lobby wants to ensure that dolts get jobs too. That's the only reason I can come up with the sheer stupidity of the ads that come from pharmacy companies. As smart as the researchers who come up with chemical compounds that (theoretically) make us better must be, the marketing teams apparently all ride a short bus to work each morning. The costs for helmets alone explains why meds are so expensive.

Sometimes it's just a ridiculously shaky premise to tie everything in together. And by tie, I mean make you wonder "What the hell did that have to do with anything?"

Take this ad for Crestor for example.

Really? You tie in meeting the man you marry and the coming of your kids with your consumption of fatty foods littering your arteries with sludge like the beaches of the Gulf Coast? (What, too soon?) She's a real romantic, I'd love to read her anniversary cards.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I got the clap on a business trip,
and now I gave it to you.

That's not the only one with a premise more shaky than the ground in Japan. (Yes, that was definitely too soon. My bad.) It's another cholesterol medication, unfortunately I can't find it on Youtube. Apparently it's so bad no one wants to remember it, but you may have seen it. There is a guy standing on a bridge over a frozen river with sign indicating the ice is perilously thin. Then he starts talking about when he was younger, he couldn't wait to get out on that ice. But then his doctor told him he was on thin ice with his cholesterol. Holy crap, that ice isn't the only "thin" thing in the ad...that premise is so thin Sally Struthers was going to beg for food for it.

Then you've got birth control ads. I get they're trying to be creative while also putting forth a lot of important information, 90 percent of which is side effects. But it just seems to me that the commercials are made by people who have never really had a conversation in their lives. People don't talk like this. (Skip to 25 seconds.)

Then she throws out "Tell your doctor if you have conditions like cardiovascular disease or inflammatory disease." Really? Here's a better thought. If your doctor doesn't know you have some major disease, maybe it's time you find a new doctor. Considering it's probably your doctor who diagnosed you with said life-threatening condition. What do they carry around those charts for?

While we're on birth control (HA!) commercials, we can't forget about the Nuva Ring fiasco. Really? One pill a day is just too much to bear? Really? If you can't find the time to swallow a little pill each day, I'm curious how you have the time to actually NEED the pill, if you know what I mean. wink wink, nod nod.

As bad as that one is, they follow it up with this one, trying to convince us the first commercial didn't suck. Calling that a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks everywhere.

The one that I had to laugh at the most lately though is this ad for Claritin. Am I the only really doubting her perception of just how instrumental she is?

"Alright, let's move on team"
"In case you didn't notice, perky bitch, we're already moving on. See, we're walking with you. Lay off the meth!"

Apparently I am the only one doubting just how important she is. Skip to 17 seconds. The guy who is apparently so dumb I think he writes ads for pharmacy companies loses his step on a bridge that, to his credit, obviously does not meet Department of Transportation regulations. PB as I'm now calling her, looks back and says the very helpful "Watch your step!" The guy's response? "I couldn't have done it without you." Wow...I had no idea the seemingly obvious direction of "Watch where you're going on a rickety bridge or you'll fall to a horrible death like the guys in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." was so instrumental.

"If only Mola Ram had PB around to save his ass from death by falling in to a river full of hungry crocs."

As I look for a logical conclusion to what has turned in to more of a rant than anything else, a startling thought occurred to me. What if it's not that the marketing departments are dumb, but that they are advertising to people who are. That's a scary thought...a legion of doped up dumb people voting. Wow...a whole lot of things just made sense to me now. It's all...Claritin Clear.