It was inevitable: The Charmin Bears

The Charmin Bears.....sigh. Or as I call them, the Dinglebearies.

I hate these ads.

I have hated these ads since they first brought them out a few years ago. Remember the great ads of yesteryear, Mr. Whipple saying "Don't squeeze the Charmin?" I don't either, I'm not 80. But I am aware of them as they are among the  most iconic ads in the history of television informing us of just what we need to buy to make our lives complete.

Now, we have bears who A)Answer our question about what bears do in the woods and B) apparently have wiping problems. Do we really need to see this?

I'm no prude, don't get me wrong. But for some reason, commercials talking about "pieces left behind" just really seems to be more than we really need to hear about. But oh, television is a visual medium. So we're treated to not just dirty pieces of toilet paper stuck to this bears ass, but a wonderful acrobatic display of the bear either looking to see that he's clean or on a voyage of self discovery. It's natural, but that's supposed to be done in a bathroom with a door that locks.

She knows what you're doing in there.

The most disturbing part of this commercial comes six seconds in: "You can't pass inspection with pieces left behind." Um, what? Inspection? What kind of messed up mother not only puts their kids up for inspection, but also checks the kids butt? That's an inspection that'd even make R. Lee. Ermey blush. 

You want me to check WHERE!? That stuff about a golf ball through a garden hose was spot on, wasn't it?

If your morning routine includes the phrase "spread 'em" and you're not in prison, I'm pretty sure it's time to call a crisis line. If mom is keeping an eye on your brown eye, there are going to be some serious therapy bills in the future.  

Or, maybe the folks at Charmin's ad company are furries, and this is a way to pass secret messages on to other furries. If you don't know what furries are, do yourself a favor and don't ask. I won't be held responsible for google exposing you to a whole new world of warped fetishes. 

Anyway, we're told that only through the strength of Charmin can stand up to our apparently razor-blade lined arseholes so we can pass inspection from our anal (literally and figuratively) mothers. 

Seriously, she's giving her kids ass a thumbs up...why am I the only one concerned? Although it wold be worse if a few of those letters in the previous sentence we rearranged....

Thanks to the strength of Charmin's diamond-weave technology (technology in toilet paper? Really?) Charmin can apparently withstand a three pound turd. Seriously, if you're dropping bombs that weigh three pounds, toilet paper leaving pieces behind probably isn't your biggest problem. You should be more worried about pieces of  colon being left behind. 

Truth in advertising: The REAL miracle

Miracle Whip has broken the cardinal rule of advertising. Granted, they're used to breaking cardinal rules. The first one they broke is "Don't make a condiment that tastes like shit." This latest flouting of standard rules is "Don't say anything negative about the product you're advertising." Watch this ad.

Finally! A commercial with honesty! Granted, there are still some lies in there. I mean, who actually does like Miracle Whip? I remember vividly the last time I ate Miracle Whip. It was by accident. I took a bite of a sandwich and thought the mayo had gone bad. Then I realized it was Miracle Whip and had wished it was mayo that had gone bad.

In all honesty, I do like the commercials. It takes some juevos...big, smelly, rotten juevos used to make Miracle Whip, to make a commercial denigrating the very product you wish to promote. I think that says something about us as consumers. We've gotten to the point that we can see through the bullshit that convinced people to buy cigarettes in the 50's.

And candy. I would recommend lots and lots of candy.Ka-ching!

Apparently we're more sophisticated than our predilection for shows like Jersey Shore would indicate. We appreciate honesty, and admitting the truth. We also appreciate thinly veiled double entendres.

Wow. Just wow. That was blatant. I haven't seen an add so suggestive since I've watched Go Daddy try to get stuff approved for the Super Bowl. With the complete paranoia our nation has in terms of anything sexual, especially since we got a microsecond glimpse of Janet Jackson's mangled tit, I can only imagine the look on the censor's face when he or she saw this ad.

 Yeah, something like this.